


Hiding in the Shade

by kingfisherBlues



Series: Words Escape You [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, And everyone lives in the same town., Implied Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-10
Updated: 2013-01-10
Packaged: 2017-11-25 00:45:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/633292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kingfisherBlues/pseuds/kingfisherBlues
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some things happen so quickly that words fail to describe them.  It's only in the aftermath, when the blood has slowed and the mind catches up on what the body already knows, that one can even begin to contemplate the implications.</p><p>Or a young boy can refuse to acknowledge anything and battle stress-induced insomnia instead.</p><p>That's fine, too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This part is rated Teen because of language and flippant use of the verbs 'mack on' and 'jerking it'. Which are both great verbs, but the rating remains.
> 
> NOTE: I was having issues with editing, so I redid the work and deleted the old. (Pesterlogs are fun to write and a pain to format.)

Late at night, thoughts were difficult to pin down.

John lay still in the moonlight beaming through the window, his eyes fluttering between sight and peaceful darkness. Every twitch of the eyelid brought pain to the tension headache gripping his temples, but if he kept his eyes shut too long, images cropped up, but if he kept them open, he would never sleep, and the long process of insomnia would repeat itself endlessly and he couldn't take it.

He let his arm fall off the edge of the bed, shoulder twisting painfully as he wriggled onto his back. A pillow whispered as it fell to the floor, kicked aside in John's distress. He briefly contemplated getting up to replace it, but he was so tired, the mere thought just caused more unrest. He wasn't using the pillows anyway. They made his headache worse.

Headache. Sleeplessness. Distress.

John closed his eyes against the moon peeking through the window, a frown biting at his chapped lips. If he thought too long about how he couldn't sleep, the reason why would inevitably pop into the forefront of his mind.

Distress. Despair. Guilt.

Two weeks ago, just before the end of the school year, John had sat on the bleachers with his three best friends and observed the school's annual Field Day. It had been fine, up until the point where Rose and Jade had left him alone with Dave.

 _Left him alone with Dave?_ That made it sound like he was some sort of predator. But who was the predator, him, or John?

John flopped onto his side, pushing his forehead against the wall next to his bed and trying to keep back the whine that was caught in his throat. He couldn't think about it. If he thought about it, then that meant admitting that something was wrong, and he couldn't stand it if it turned out the wrong thing was him.

Instead, he let his eyes flutter, trying to capture sleep, and concentrated on the way his bedsheets had managed to get tangled in his legs. He had pulled out the top sheet in his restless movements. Only one pillow remained, squashed between the headboard, his foot, and the wall. The moon was so damn bright, and he should really get up to close the blinds, but that would take more effort than his tired body had, and Dave had a really comfortable bed, he hoped he was sleeping well --

Guilt. Headache. Sleeplessness.

John bolted upright in bed, kicking off the sheets and practically jumping out, stumbling over the errant pillow in the process. He kicked it back onto the bed and set about straightening the blankets, tucking them securely under the mattress with trembling hands. Dave never made his bed, which was a useless fact that meant nothing at the moment. It meant nothing. It wasn't even something to be thinking about, because it was nothing!

John pulled back the sheets and lay back down, curling into a ball and tucking the sheets around his shoulders.

With his head at the headboard, the moon wasn't able to peer so stridently into his eyes, and John found himself drifting. His limbs relaxed. His heartbeat slowed. His thoughts became more fragments than garbled sentences. He tucked his cold hands between his knees, sighed against the pillow, and did not think about how this was the fifth night in a row that he could not sleep quite as easily as before. He could not think about the hard ball rolling in his gut, or the surge of heat that filled his groin whenever he drifted on a blonde head resting on his shoulder, a warm body against his side, a friend that he had known forever, but not quite like this. What was this? It didn't bother him, not really, but at the same time, it was awful. He was still a friend and he tried to make jokes, but then Dave would lean close to whisper in the middle of class or grab John's arm to catch his attention and everything just froze. Guilt coiled in his chest and squeezed his lungs, choking his words, because wanting to kiss a friend wasn't wrong, it wasn't, but it felt like it was.

It felt like it was.

Was it wrong?

He couldn't sleep.

It took John a minute to realize that he had been staring at his bedroom door as thoughts roiled in his mind. He unclenched his fists and brought his hands to his face, rubbing his eyes in exasperation as he rolled onto his back.

During the day, he could avoid that weird feeling, even if he had to see Dave and look vaguely at him while recognizing that the guilt had a source. It was bad enough, weeks ago, when Dave had fallen asleep on his shoulder while they waited for their friends to return, and John had wanted nothing more than to just -- he didn't know. He couldn't describe it. It was painful, in his heart _and_ in his head, to even recognize that it had happened.

But there was no avoiding how he couldn't even touch himself anymore, because as soon as he tried, bad thoughts -- no, they weren't bad, but they felt like it, _shit_ \-- inappropriate thoughts popped into his head and they weren't inappropriate either.

What was it like? It felt wrong -- _duh, dipshit_ \-- but more than that.

Disrespectful.

John sat up in bed, crossing his legs and propping his head on his hands. From his computer desk, an alarm clocked blinked the early morning. He had been in bed for six hours and he hadn't slept at all. He couldn't see the moon anymore. His headache remained.

His computer was sleeping, at least. He stared at the dull monitor, fingers digging into his scalp. He couldn't pin anything down. His thoughts scattered, flying all over the place, but one managed to snag his attention long enough that maybe it was a good idea. Not completely dumb, at least.

John dragged himself out of bed, knocking both pillows to the floor, and shuffled over to his desk. He sat down with a small groan, tired limbs making more fuss than needed, and the computer monitor lit up as a careless elbow jogged the mouse.

Pesterchum was still up. No one was online, not even perpetually Internet-bound Strider -- uh, no, he didn't want to talk to him, anyway. At this point, John would end up saying something dumb and wrecking everything.

Wrecking what, exactly?

_God, just shut up already._

John clicked on a different darkened name and typed out a message into the chat window before he could think about it too much. Nervous jitters made his fingers tremble on the keys; he smashed a few buttons before he hit Enter, and the message sent before he could correct it.

As he stared at his own words, bright blue against the blinding white of the chat window, nerves caught up with his mind and he fled the room, tip-toeing down the hall to the bathroom where he could piss and wash his hands and face and breath deep and think about nothing at all.

When he got back to his bedroom, the quiet house creaking under every step, the chat window blinked with a reply.


	2. Chapter 2

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 04:10 --  
EB: i think i have a problem but i'm not really sure?;'\  
GG: cant sleep again? :(  
GG: .......  
GG: ..... jooooohn??  
GG: did you fall asleep at your desk???  
EB: hey, sorry, no, i  
EB: i went to the bathroom.  
GG: well thats nice! pester a girl and then leaving her hanging like that  
EB: i didn't think you would still be up!  
GG: omg, its fine  
GG: ive been awake for an hour!!  
EB: what?  
EB: why??  
GG: stuff needed to be done!  
GG: plus i went to bed really early  
GG: plus why arent you sleeping, huh???  
GG: whats this problem that isnt a problem maybe?  
GG: i hope you fess up soon because you are being a grumpy grouch lately  
GG: ............  
GG: john, if you dont reply soon, i am coming over to your house and breaking something  
EB: sorry! jeez, calm down.  
EB: i just don't know what to say.  
GG: you can start with why youre pestering me so early  
EB: okay, good point.  
EB: i thought it was just a good idea.  
EB: because if this is a problem, rose would weasel it out of me with her crazy mind powers.  
EB: and i could talk to you without revealing too much!  
GG: so youre talking to me because you think im dumber??  
GG: ):  
EB: what? no!  
GG: D:  
EB: i didn't say that! you're not dumber!!  
GG: )':  
EB: JADE!!  
GG: JOHN!!!  
EB: oh my god. maybe this was a bad idea.  
GG: yeah, it was  
EB: okay. i'll just leave you alone.  
GG: NO, dumbass!!!!!  
GG: youre going about this all wrong!!  
GG: instead of going around all this cagey bullshit why dont you actually talk for once??  
GG: you havent been sleeping for weeks! dont pretend like i dont know  
GG: were all worried   
GG: so talk!!  
GG: its not that hard, and its late enough that it doesnt count, anyway  
EB: what? what does the time have anything to do with it?  
GG: john, john, john, john.  
GG: first rule of late night confessions:  
GG: what happens after midnight is never repeated again  
EB: hehehe. really?  
GG: absolutely!!  
EB: hehehehe.  
GG: dave is a total squealer, dont bother trying to get him in on this  
EB: I WASN'T THINKING ABOUT DAVE.  
GG: :O  
EB: oh shit.  
EB: sorry.  
EB: that wasn't angry caps lock. that was loud caps lock.  
GG: :O  
GG: so you were thinking about dave!!  
EB: well, now i am, obviously!  
GG: lol  
GG: youre so dumb.  
EB: :(  
EB: this isn't going like i wanted it to.  
GG: /siiiiiiigh  
GG: okay, grumpy guts, spill  
GG: how did you want this to go?  
EB: i guess...  
EB: i thought that if i pestered you, we could talk about a problem that isn't a problem, but it feels like it is?  
EB: i don't know. it isn't wrong, but at the same time, i feel really bad.  
EB: and. i can't sleep. because i keep thinking about it.  
EB: so i feel double wrong and awful.  
EB: ...  
EB: is it my turn to shout at you about replying?!  
GG: just letting you get this out of your system!  
GG: and that was the biggest pile of bullshit ive ever seen  
EB: what??  
GG: maybe i should get rose in on this!  
EB: NO.  
GG: she could help you with this ""problem""  
EB: JADE, I SAID NO.  
GG: she'd use a bunch of big words that boil down to what a dumbbutt you are!  
GG: it'd be awesome!!!  
EB: JADE!!!  
GG: JOHN!!!!  
EB: I'M BEING SERIOUS!  
GG: then tell me why you feel wrong!!  
GG: here, i'll get my therapist notebook and everything  
GG: (i borrowed it from rose)  
EB: /sigh  
GG: very good beginning! tell me more!!  
EB: eauuugughghghghg.  
EB: i feel wrong because i'm not supposed to be feeling the way that i am right now!  
GG: ....  
GG: oh.....kay?  
EB: i mean  
EB: i don't know what i mean!  
EB: it's like if i admit that this is bothering me, then that means this is a problem, but it's not a problem, not really, because it's not wrong, but i feel wrong!  
EB: i'm not supposed to think about people like that and if i do, then it means that there must be somethign wrong wieth me because  
EB: but it's not wrong?  
EB: but i can't feel that way about a friend, because that would be  
EB: i cna't think of a word that fits it.  
GG: whoa   
GG: you typed all of that really really fast!  
GG: take a deep breath, john  
EB: i'm fine.  
EB: i just  
EB: arrrgh!  
EB: this is dumb.  
GG: yeah, it is  
GG: what im getting here is that you totally have a crush on someone  
EB: what? no!  
GG: and you said it was a friend, and we dont have a lot of friends!!  
EB: i don't have a crush on anyone!  
GG: and you pestered me first and didnt want to talk to rose because of "mind powers"!!  
EB: THIS ISN'T A CRUSH!  
GG: so when are you going to ask dave out???  
\-- ectoBiologist [EB] has blocked gardenGnostic [GG] \--


	3. Chapter 3

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] has unblocked gardenGnostic [GG] \--  
GG: ....  
EB: i'm sorry.  
GG: .......  
EB: i'm really, really sorry?  
GG: ..........  
EB: i'll bring you some meringue cookies tomorrow.  
GG: do you mean sunday-tomorrow or today-tomorrow?  
EB: today-tomorrow.  
GG: yay!!!!!!!!!  
GG: those cookies are the best!!!  
GG: so are you done being an obtuse jackass??  
EB: nope!  
GG: :/  
EB: hehehehe. jk!  
EB: ...  
EB: jade, i don't know what to do.  
GG: youre freaking out over nothing, you know  
EB: what?  
GG: this isnt such a big deal!!  
GG: everyone starts feeling """that way""" about people sometime  
EB: what way?  
GG: wow, you really are being dense  
GG: lol  
GG: you want to kiss someone!!  
EB: that's not it at all!  
GG: omg  
GG: shush  
EB: don't shush me!  
GG: :/  
EB: THE POINT IS:  
EB: none of what you say i want to do matters, because i'm not supposed to be feeling like this at all!  
GG: LIKE WHAT???  
EB: AUUUGGGHHHHH!!!  
EB: LIKE I WANT TO HANG OUT WITH HIM AND TOUCH HIM A BUNCH BUT NOT LIKE THAT BUT MAYBE A LITTLE???  
EB: I DON'T FUCKING KNOW, THIS IS HARD!!  
GG: youre right this is hard  
GG: its very hard  
GG: its so hard you might need some help with it  
EB: if you are making dick jokes, i am blocking you again.  
GG: :o  
GG: :'''''(  
EB: your tears will not sway me.  
GG: >:(  
EB: your anger won't sway me either.  
EB: stop whatever dumb emoticon you're typing now.  
EB: this is serious time. we're being serious.  
GG: okay, fine  
GG: if were being serious, then lets get serious!!  
GG: john, this sort of thing happens aaaaallll the time  
GG: youre really worried about nothing!!  
GG: so what if you want to mack hard on dave?? we all want to mack hard on dave!!  
GG: and dave wants to mack hard on all of us, because thats what kids our age do!  
GG: they want to mack hard on people!!  
EB: can you please stop using the verb 'mack hard'??  
EB: it's making me nauseous.  
GG: awww! but its fun  
EB: and you're missing the point! again!  
EB: you guys are my friends. my best friends!  
EB: wanting to kiss you is one thing, but then thinking about you like that is another, and it's gross.  
GG: .....  
GG: so you tried to jerk it and you thought of dave?  
EB: JADE!!!  
EB: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!  
GG: lol  
EB: YOU DON'T TALK TO A DUDE ABOUT JERKING IT!!!!!  
GG: lol!!  
EB: that's it. you're just making it worse.  
EB: block button, here i come!  
GG: IF YOU BLOCK ME, I AM GOING TO WRECK YOUR SHIT!!  
EB: holy shit.  
GG: i know where you live, buster!!  
EB: :(  
GG: dont try to be cute with me!!  
GG: now im mad!!!  
GG: grrr!!  
EB: (╥_╥)  
GG: okay, that one is actually kind of cute  
EB: i win!  
EB: thank you, internet, for all your weird collections of kawaii things.  
GG: /eyeroll!!  
EB: ...  
EB: so what am i supposed to do?  
GG: what?  
EB: what am i supposed to do about feeling like this?  
GG: do you want me to stop puberty for you??  
EB: that's something different, butthead!  
GG: no it isnt, BUTTHEAD!!!  
GG: i was serious about this being something everyone has to go through  
GG: are you worried because youre wanting to make out with dave?  
EB: i don't want to  
EB: goddamn it.  
GG: lmao  
EB: i'm glad that you're happy about something!  
GG: me too!!  
EB: you're such a butt.  
GG: and you're a cute butt with a cute butt  
GG: i bet dave would like to grab that butt!!  
GG: YOU SHOULD ASK HIM OUT!!!  
EB: NO!  
GG: YES!!  
EB: JADE!  
GG: JOHN!!!  
EB: this isn't helping at all!  
GG: then i dont know what to tell you  
GG: until you can accept these totally acceptable feelings welling up in your heart, theres not a lot i can do  
GG: but if you dont, youre just going to end up worrying about nothing and not getting any sleep and being a grumpy no-fun butthead forever  
EB: ... so you don't think it's weird?  
GG: what is weird?  
EB: that i maybe want to kiss a friend?  
GG: *dave  
EB: THAT I MAYBE WANT TO KISS A FRIEND?  
GG: youre an idiot  
GG: were your friends and we all love you!  
GG: we arent going to kick you to the curb just because you want to kiss one of us!!!  
GG: if that were the case, me and rose would be sitting on that curb right with you  
EB: what?!  
GG: ;)  
EB: did you  
GG: ;;;)  
EB: have you and rose  
GG: ;;;;;;)  
EB: i don't get it.  
GG: you should get some sleep  
GG: itll come to you in the morning!!  
GG: lol  
GG: the sun is rising and the greenhouse needs tending!!  
GG: oh!!!!  
GG: grandpas coming home tomorrow!!  
GG: and we need to talk about what were going to do this summer  
GG: SO GO GET SOME SLEEP AND WE CAN PLAY LATER!!  
EB: fine, jeez, pushy!  
EB: it's not like you don't fall asleep ten times during the day because you're a lazy butt.  
GG: takes one to know one BUTTFACE  
EB: butthead.  
GG: buttear!!  
EB: butt ear?  
GG: i dont know, but are you offended?  
EB: a little bit.  
GG: then it works  
GG: anyway  
GG: good morning!!!!!!  
\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 05:34 --  
EB: well, now i feel ten times wor  
EB: DID YOU KISS ROSE?????


End file.
